The second-to-last email I sent from prison

Thursday, January 4th, 2018

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That's how many days ago I got arrested.

I got arrested at age 24, when Barack Obama was president of the United States, when I'd never heard of ISIS, Uber, or Tinder. Today I'm 28. Gay marriage is legal in the US, weed is legal in Oregon, and Donald Trump is the president.

What does it feel like to get out of prison in a few days?

I remember when I was a kid on Christmas Eve, and I knew that in the morning I would wake up to a plethora of cool presents. If I could only fall asleep, I would wake up to all the presents. But the excitement about what I knew was coming in the morning prevented me from falling asleep. I could feel the excitement like a physical sensation. That's what it feels like to get out of prison. Except that excitement has been drawn out over a two week span, which is unsustainable, and the excitement decays into something more reminiscent of anxiety. But as the fear that they are going to take my date diminishes the excitement ratchets back up.

The daily degradations of prison are especially potent when compared with the imminence of my release. It's amazing what I've become adapted to here. I think of the elements of my daily life today compared with what they will be next week at this time, and the stark contrast is offensive. My days are less bearable because of it. This piles on to the preexisting excitement/anxiety vacillation.

How many times have I dreamed of getting released? Literally hundreds. How many times in my life will I experience such a dream-come-true scenario? This is perhaps the most exciting thing that I will ever experience.

A five-year sentence felt like forever. I could not conceive of the end. It was a distant abstract future, beyond the grasp of my mind. But here it is. And realizing this, I'm realizing all dates come. August 23rd, 2029 I will turn 40. That date will come. This is the most tangible example I've ever had about the inexorable march of time.

"Everyone I know has been so good to me." - Fly by Sugar Ray