Ask and you shall receive

Just when I felt consumed by panic for my financial situation, I was notified yesterday that Portland State awarded me a $2,000 scholarship for Buenos Aires. Most of the program cost is now covered by scholarship and I only have to worry about actual spending money. It came at the perfect time—the universe provided.

I hope to actually blog about my experience, but I know what it’s like to get busy. I’ll have more cheery things to write about! I can get a bit doom and gloom. There’s just so much work to be done.

I leave in 48 hours. I have everything I need and all my loose ends at home are tied up. My car insurance has my car marked in “storage” beginning the day I leave, my cell phone service suspended the day after. There’s nothing left to Google, the YouTube videos have became repetitive.

I remember back when I thought, “Who actually checks their email? No one, right?” and I never planned anything. I sometimes pine for that light-hearted and spontaneous version of myself. Ever since getting out of prison, I see long-term consequences lurking at every corner. I compulsively try to mitigate them, control the variables, ensure I never feel that sense of guilt and regret again. I’m overly proactive—it’s compulsive. Did you know that could be a thing?

I seek balance. I’ve been relaxing lately. The feeling of guilt creeps in. “getupgetupbeproductiveyoulazypieceofshit”. But I’m learning to overrule that voice because relaxing feels good. Literally everything is done—the to-do list is finally empty. I can quiet the voice. I’ve been binge watching Big Mouth—which is the best raunchy social commentary I’ve ever seen. It’s the first time I’ve truly “binge watched” anything since the time “before”, the time of syringes, cigarettes, and sleeping until the sun went down. I can now binge watch sober.